20 Ways to Know if You Are a Liberal

I’m not a Liberal and I think they’re as idiotic as right wingers, but this email spam list is just begging for a bitch-slap. This goes out to the mook who crafted this abomination and the sheep who pass it along.

1. You have to be against capital punishment, but support abortion on demand.

I don’t want the govt killing me or directing the use of my body in any other way. Next thing you know, Larry Craig will be passing a law requiring me to take a wide stance in a men’s room for him. Stay outa my life and away from my body.

2. You have to believe that businesses create oppression and governments create prosperity.

The govt is our only defense against companies that hide drug studies while selling useless drugs to us for years. (see recent Vytorin news)

3. You have to believe that guns in the hands of law-abiding citizens are more of a threat than U.S. Nuclear weapons technology in the hands of Iran or Chinese and North Korean communists.

Some asshat with a gun will more likely kill me than a Chinese nuke. We have MADD technology and they know it. They also know we’ll employ it. Assault rifles in the hands of Joe Lunchpail who lives across the street is some seriously scary shit.

4. You have to believe that there was no art before federal funding.

The market place kills art, and has already done a good job of it. Being an artist is not the same as being a salesman, and even Mozart was funded by aristocracy (the government of his day), as were all the famous classical composers and painters. Nothing’s changed about that except that the average moron bitches about it instead of being grateful that someone cares about art enough to encourage it.

5. You have to believe that global temperatures are less affected by cyclical changes in the earth’s climate and more affected by soccer moms driving SUV’s.

The hard data is in, and this statement is stupid. The big coal plants and the hundreds of millions of cars, trucks and buses, as well as all the factories around the world are to blame. Not some mom in an SUV, but then, that copy doesn’t have the same ironic implication, does it.

6. You have to believe that gender roles are artificial, but being homosexual is natural.

Gender roles aren’t artificial but they aren’t iron clad either. Simple thinking isn’t realistic thinking. The earth is older than 6,000 years too, and I can prove it. Sorry that you can’t think past bumper sticker slogans.

7. You have to believe that the AIDS virus is spread by a lack of federal funding.

…or that AIDS can be better addressed through adequate federal funding? Maybe? Then again, I’m sure that the federal tax breaks and grants given to research on boner medicine was more urgently needed. Especially since the “boomer” males were beginning to come up a little flaccid as they hit middle age.

8. You have to believe that the same teacher who can’t teach 4th-graders how to read is somehow qualified to teach those same kids about sex.

No, it’s best to let the parents ignore the whole notion of little Suzie taking a few mother loads from Billy and just let God have his will with her life. Then her mom and dad can blame the media for forcing her to spread her ignorant legs like that. Besides, it’s harder to learn how to read than it is to learn how to screw. Maybe not for Conservatives. I have heard that they generally suck in bed.

9. You have to believe that hunters don’t care about nature, but PETA activists do.

Try using the word “animals” instead of “nature”.

My brother-in-law and his wife own a black bear hunting lodge in Maine. They work all year to get the bears addicted to stale donuts and pastries. Then they drag these bloated businessmen from New Jersey out to the woods and sit them up in little perches above the place where they conditioned these bears to come for their sugar fix. Then they let these “hunters” shoot them as they show up for their daily meal. Then the guy gets his picture taken with the bear. Then they sell the bear off to a guy who supplies dog food companies with all kinds of things like that.

They schedule each “hunt” as a whole week with 20 guys like this, but it generally takes only a couple days. Then the guys generally take off to go gamble at the Indian reservation casino in CT. with the rest of their vacation from home and the family. Yeah, these hunters care a lot about nature and animals and stuff.

10. You have to believe that self-esteem is more important than actually doing something to earn it.

No, it’s always best to let the meanest, the strongest, and the best equipped have their way with the rest of us. Survival of the fittest is the best strategy for every form of life, unless it’s you that is the less fit. Then again, NO conservative is weak – right?

11. You have to believe that Mel Gibson spent $25 million of his own money to make “The Passion of the Christ” for financial gain only.

Mel Gibson is a mental case. How many times does he have to prove it before we finally take him at his word? Anyone that would spend 25 million bucks to make a Jesus snuff film is either someone who hates the whole notion of Jesus, or is someone who doesn’t realize that he hates the whole notion of Jesus. That movie was a celebration of Jesus being beaten and tortured. That’s just the worst premise I can imagine for a true Christian.

12. You have to believe the NRA is bad because it supports certain parts of the Constitution, while the ACLU is good because it supports certain parts of the Constitution.

The ACLU even defends the NRA. It’s true. Look it up. They defend everyone. Even groups they find repugnant. They’d even defend your right to email this crap to people.

13. You have to believe that taxes are too low, but ATM fees are too high.

We have a multi-trillion dollar deficit. Apparently tax breaks aren’t paying for things. Neither is slashing domestic spending. Maybe if we didn’t spend a billion every two weeks on killing Iraqis? I don’t know.

14. You have to believe that Margaret Sanger and Gloria Steinem are more important to American history than Thomas Jefferson, Gen. Robert E. Lee, and Thomas Edison.

No you don’t. That’s bullshit. It’s not even ironic. It’s just a stupid statement.

15. You have to believe that standardized tests are racist, but racial quotas and set-asides are not.

Liberals are the ones who brought us the standardized tests. What planet do you come from? Conservatives want all kids to go to privately owned schools, and to do away with public education. They aren’t even in the public education business. If the can’t make money off something, or force people to “come to Jesus” through something, then they aren’t interested.

16. You have to believe that the only reason socialism hasn’t worked anywhere it’s been tried is because the right people haven’t been in charge.

Taking responsibility for your community is such a blasphemous concept. I agree though. I see the idea of ripping the heads off fat, pulpy capitalists and plundering their substantial holdings as being fair game as long as I’m capable of doing it. Then again, a true capitalist would agree that if I can get my posse together and kill his punk ass, then all’s fair in warfare.

Hey, maybe I agree with you here. Screw the social order.

17. You have to believe that homosexual parades displaying drag queens and transvestites should be constitutionally protected, and manger scenes at Christmas should be illegal.

I think that statues of Mohamed and L. Ron Hubbard should grace our school lobbies if manger scenes do. Buddha statues too. I like Buddha statues. They’re always happy. Not like those sad crucifixes with Jesus all bummed out and stuff.

18. You have to believe that more laws need to be passed to protect people from themselves, because people are too dumb to make their own choices.

Go up on YouTube for an afternoon and just browse. Then come back and rewrite this statement. Also, have you seen the new laws that your Bushies put into effect since seizing the reigns of power? Pot? Meet Kettle.

19. You have to believe that it is the government’s responsibility to solve people’s problems because people should not be held accountable or responsible for their mistakes.

As in the huge airline bailout after 9/11? Ot the massive bailout of the Savings and Loan Industry of the late 80s? Or the enormous mulit-billion dollar bailout of Chrysler back in 1980? Or that whole Iraq “probem” that we seem to be on the hook for – forever? Or the subsidies still going to the Oil Industry, even though they’ve broken all profit records in recent years? Yeah, I agree with you, and so do a lot of Liberals.

20. You have to believe that this list is a part of a vast, right-wing conspiracy.

A conspiracy to promote stupidity? Yeah. If you copied and pasted this sophomoric crap from an email, then that’s a conspiracy between you and the idiot that wrote it.